I was a child myself when my life was forever changed. After putting myself into a situation where I lost control and acted irresponsibly, I learned that your childhood can be over instantly. After losing what I thought to be my “best friend,” I lost any ounce of self-esteem that existed in me; I was looking for acceptance and affection from anyone willing to give it to me. Eventually, I found someone. He was nineteen, I was sixteen, and as any parents would be, my parents were very skeptical of him. Against their wishes I saw him anyway. Of course as any naive, young girl would do, I believed that he was sincere in his actions along with his words. I gave him all of me, including my dignity, and because of one foolish December night full of irresponsibility and recklessness, my life was forever changed.
For seven months I lived my life in denial. I came up with every reason under the sun as to why I had gained weight, and why I was always feeling ill. As horrible as it sounds, I was hoping that I would go to the doctor eventually and she would tell me I had some strange disease, anything other than the truth.
Then reality hit. On July 27, 2004, I went to the doctor for a routine physical. Still living in the extreme denial as I had for seven months, I thought I could wish away everything and get away with it. Then my doctor asked me to lie down so she could “feel my belly.” That’s when she asked me the question that will forever repeat in my head. “Are you sure there is no way you could be pregnant?” At that exact moment, an extreme feeling of weakness and disgust came over me and I broke down. And like a child I cried that I wanted my mother that minute. When the doctor brought my mother in and told her, it was the most heart breaking moment in my life. Watching my mother cry and ask me “Why?” was excruciating because I didn’t have any answers for her. In my mother’s eyes I was special, even when I told her everything about my life, including my screw-ups.
The next few hours were by far some of the hardest hours of my life. I was absolutely terrified of my father’s reaction, as any young girl in my predicament would be. To my surprise he just hugged me and said, “We’re going to get through this. Don’t worry.” That’s when I knew that everything, no matter how painful, would work out. I was so embarrassed that I had been so careless with myself; the only people who knew were my brother, his girlfriend, my parents and my grandparents. Admitting my mistake to myself was the hardest part of my situation. Even though no one was proud of my actions, they were all supportive, and I know now that if it hadn’t been for them I most likely wouldn’t have made it through the last two months of my pregnancy.
After finding out that I was pregnant at 17, I was forced to make the hardest decision of my life. I was always a girl who had big plans to go away to college and make the life that I’ve always dreamed of for myself. Yet, I was still a child myself. How was I supposed to be responsible for another child’s life? After thinking about my options, I made the hardest, but most compassionate, choice of adoption. I worked with a wonderful group of people who gave me options and made an unimaginably terrifying situation into a life changing and positive experience. I was given options that I never imagined possible. I was able to choose the most wonderful family to adopt my child, was given rights to visit my child, I was even allowed to help name my child.
On September 16, 2004 at 4:45 p.m., I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Camden Michael. That’s when the reality of my decision set in. The emotions and thoughts that ran through my mind were unexplainable. The time I spent sitting in a hospital room signing those papers seemed to last a lifetime. I just kept telling myself that my decision was changing the life of a family, and I was giving Camden Michael the life that I wouldn’t be able to provide for him.
I was still a child when I found myself responsible for another child’s future. Although I, along with my family, never imagined I would be in this situation, I handled it in what I believe to be the most appropriate manner possible. Choosing an adoption plan for Camden Michael was the hardest, yet greatest, life changing experience I believe I ever have or ever will face in my life.
Good luck to you on your adoption journey! Adoption STAR will be here for you to help you through it all!
