The Adoption “Joke” in the Avengers Movie
Avengers came out in theaters two weeks ago, and has already grossed over one billion dollars, but that’s not what many are talking about, especially in the adoption community. In the movie there is an unfortunate “joke” where a character, the black widow, says “(Loki) killed 80 people in two days.” and in response, Thor (Loki’s brother), says “he’s adopted”, as if that is a legitimate reason.
We have asked many times on this blog whether Hollywood has a responsibility to portray the adoption journey in a realistic manner, but this goes beyond that question; this is a movie that is specifically geared toward children making a joke at the expense of adoptees.
In this instance, Andrea Poe, of the Washington Times, got it right when she wrote that the “sophomoric bullying humor” that is found in many of today’s movies wouldn’t even be allowed in a middle school classroom, and shouldn’t be used in a movie of any kind, let alone one geared towards children.
Poe said that many adoptive families have had long conversations after seeing the Avengers, in an attempt to explain to their children that adoption is in no way “bad” and won’t make you a “bad person.” While this joke may not be the reason to not see the movie, it is good to be prepared for any reaction your children may have.
If you are interested, there is a change.org petition, that is asking for an apology from Marvel Comics, and a promise that it will not make the same mistake again.
To read the full Washington Times article, please click here.
Tags: Adoption "Joke" in the Avengers Movie, Hollywood's social responsibility, Onlin petition to Marvel Comics, The Avengers Movie, Thor adoption joke
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“The Little Couple” Look to Adopt
Jen and Bill, stars of “The Little Couple” on TLC, shared their interest in growing their family through adoption in the most recent episode of the show. The video below is a great reminder that families can be formed in many ways, and that the most important aspect in any familal relationship is love.
There are many shows, such as Modern Family, Glee and Parenthood that have recently told an adoption storyline, what were your thoughts on how these shows portrayed the adoption journey?
Tags: Adoption on Glee, Adoption on Modern Family, Adoption on Parenthood, adoption on TV, Hollywood's portrayal of adoption, Jen and Bill from the Little Couple hoping to adopt, The Little Couple adopts
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10 Steps to Speaking to Your Children About Adoption
This blog post was originally published by Adoption STAR at a previous blog in 2007.
One of the most important aspects of the adoption journey is being able to speak to your child about his/her adoption. One thing to remember, is to begin speaking to your child about adoption and his/her birth parents at the earliest of ages. Here are 10 helpful tips to guide you in speaking to your children about adoption.
1. Start Early. Yes, start talking to your child about adoption during infancy! Even though your child may not understand, it’s practice for you. Your child, even as an infant, gets to hear the word “adopted” in a positive context. The word adoption becomes as commonplace as everyday terms.
2. Use Positive Adoption Language. Using appropriate adoption language such as “placed for adoption”, “made an adoption plan”, makes the process of adoption less intimidating then having your child hear words like, “given away” or “given up.” It is your job to become familiar with positive adoption language so that you can naturally share your knowledge with your child and those around you.
3. Answer the Questions Your Child Asks. Be sure you know what your child is asking. If you are not sure what the question really is, ask your child what s/he means by returning the question to your child. Often a child does not have the same terminology as we do and you may not be answering your child’s question at all. Listen to your children and give them what they need, not what you need. A tall order, perhaps, but it is the real meaning of parenthood.
4. Be Honest. By being honest you must also consider your child’s developmental stages. The adoption story belongs to your child, and the child has a right to know that story. It is natural for parents to want to make everything sound perfect and to take away any possible loss or pain for our children, but it doesn’t give us the right to replace missing facts or soften harsh ones. “Developmentally appropriate” conversations require you to think carefully about how to discuss difficult issues without lying. “For example, if you know your child was conceived by rape, you don’t want to start out by saying your mommy and daddy loved each other very much,” says Lois Melina, author of Making Sense of Adoption and Raising Adopted Children. “You can say something that would imply that their parents didn’t know each other very well.” If you don’t know the answer, say so. Show that you share your child’s curiosity and that you would like to know too.
5. Include Information About Your Child’s Actual Birth. Many adoptees report they grew up thinking they weren’t born like other people are. In Adoption STAR’s Talking About Adoption Class, participants often laugh when they hear about pre-schoolers explaining they weren’t born, they were adopted. Sharing your child’s birth story is as important as their adoption story. It is often missed because nobody talks about their birth, because it occurred before you. Share as much information as you have about your child’s birth and if you aren’t blessed with that information be sure to let your child know that s/he was born just like everyone else.
6. Keep Talking. Don’t wait for your child to raise the subject about adoption. Keep the communication lines open. Raise the subject every once in a while by saying, for example, “I was remembering when we adopted you and when we went to the agency…” or “I was just thinking of your birth mother and wondering…” Your child’s understanding is developing and growing all the time. Don’t assume that s/he got all the details the last time you spoke about it. Repetition helps a child absorb the concepts surrounding adoption. So it’s important for the parent to revisit the information frequently. Another technique is to use indirect conversation, that’s talking to another person while your child is in the room. This type of conversation allows parents to keep the subject open without forcing the child to participate. “It’s directly meant for the child to hear, but it’s not talking to the child,” says Joyce Maguire Pavao, Ed.D., founder of the Center for Family Connections in Cambridge, MA, and author of The Family of Adoption. For example, she says, a dad— knowing his child is nearby—might ask his wife, “I always think of Lisa on Mother’s Day because she’s Sally’s birthmother. Should we buy flowers for Lisa and put them on the mantel in honor of her, or should we send her a card?”
Holly Van Gulden, adoption expert, says that another idea is called “leaving pebbles.” You make a small comment about a topic and then see if the child responds. For example, a stranger’s nosy questions could prompt you to say later, “Wow, that woman was really nosy about our family, I wonder what she was thinking?” Wait to see what, if anything, your child says and use that response to set the course of conversation. Also don’t forget that the direct approach may work just as well by simply asking, “Do you have any questions about adoption?”
7. Talk About Birth Parents. No matter the type of adoption, refer to your child’s birth parents by their name, if known. Your positive attitude and comfort to talk about your child’s birth parents is very important in building your child’s self-esteem. It also sends a message to your child that you are there for them to talk to and if they ask about their birth parents, it will not upset you. Adult adoptees often share that they were concerned they were hurting their adoptive parents if they asked questions about their birth parents.
8. Acknowledge and Accept Your Child’s Feelings. Listen for the feelings behind your child’s comments and questions. Curiosity and sadness are natural responses to being adopted. Don’t take expressions about wanting to meet birth parents as a reflection on you or your parenting. We don’t like to see our children experiencing sadness or pain, but adoption is a mixture of joy and pain, loss and gain for all of us. Acknowledge this and help to make your child feel comfortable about talking about it. It is also beneficial with young children to help them develop a feeling-word vocabulary. Also look for nonverbal ways to help your child work through adoption issues. Some children might benefit from drawing pictures about their adoption story. Older children can write in a journal.
9. Prepare a Lifebook. Lifebooks are storybooks for children and are excellent ways to share your child’s adoption story with them. Be sure to include birth family information, foster family, orphanage, etc., as applicable. Include photos of birth family if available.
10. You Are the Parent. As a parent, you know your child best, don’t forget that. You are your child’s parent and talking about adoption will be comfortable in time if you allow yourself to acknowledge you are the expert, you are the parent. As adopted children develop adoption understanding, increasingly complex questions and issues arise. The more comfortable you are as parents, the more your child will entrust their questions, thoughts and feelings to you. This is the cornerstone of communication within a healthy family. Parents need support too, so don’t forget to also lean on adoption professionals. Remember Adoption STAR is here for you. Join SOFIA, the adoptive parent support group, if you haven’t already. Talk to other adoptive parents, share and learn from them.
If you have any questions about speaking to your children about adoption, you can contact your Adoption STAR Family Advocate directly. You can also contact the agency by email or toll-free at 1(866)691-3330.
Tags: 10 steps to speaking to your children about adoption, How to speak to my children about adoption, How to speak to your children about adoption, Speaking to your children about adoption, Speaking to your children about their birth parents, Ways too speak to your children about adoption
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2012 Adoption STAR Photo Contest
Adoption STAR is happy to announce the return of its annual photo contest. There are four new categories for the 2012 contest, to view last the pictures from 2011, please click here.
The categories for 2012 are:
- Messy Kids
- Halloween Photos
- Me and my Grandparents
- Action Photo
You can begin sending photos today, and the agency will be accepting photos until Friday, June 15, 2012. The winners will be announced on Friday, June 29, 2012.
Rules:
- Eligible participants must be past or current clients of Adoption STAR
- Photos must be digital, and submitted as JPG’s to smile4me@adoptionstar.com
- The same family may submit photos for more than one category, but may not win more than one prize/category
- One photo only may be submitted per category. When submitting photos for additional categories, they must be submitted in separate emails with the title of the category in the subject line of the email.
- You must list your child’s full name, your names and all contact information within the body of each email.
- By submitting photos to this contest, you are guaranteeing per issue to use and post photos of all individuals in the photo
- The photos submitted must not be professional photos (taken by a professional photographer and/or a photography studio)
- By submitting a photo you are giving Adoption STAR permission to utilize the photo in print or web based literature for the agency. No names will be associated with the photo without your permission.
- There is no fee for participation
Photos will be judged within the following guidelines:
Photo Quality
- Photo is clear and the subject(s) of the photo is seen as the main focus
- The subject(s) of the photo are the only ones in the photo
Natural Look
- The subject(s) in the photo appears to be in his/her natural selection (is not staged or propped up unnaturally)
- The background of the photo is not emphasized (are there objects in the background that seem curious to you?)
- There are no objects blocking the subject from being viewed (can you tell who is in the photo?)
Unique Expressions
- The subject(s) of the photo is showing his/her personality through his/her expression (smiles, hand/feet position, etc.)
- The photo is not a generic type of picture (a typical pose or place)
Important Notes:
- Judges are either professional or semi-professional photographers and are not clients of Adoption STAR. They will not be judging for the “cutest” baby/child.
Good luck everyone!
Tags: Adoption STAR, Adoption STAR Photo Contest, Baby photos
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Adoption STAR’s Birth Mother’s Day Celebration
Saturday (May 12) Adoption STAR celebrated Birth Mother’s Day with many birth families and adoptive families. This was an inspirational day for everyone involved as we honored the brave women who made adoption plans for their children. Many birth parents were in attendance with their children’s adoptive family, making the day also a celebration of open adoption.
Birth Mother’s Day often brings about a range of emotions from happiness and pride, to sadness, but the Adoption STAR celebration is an opportunity for birth families to connect with each other and offer support to one another on what may be a difficult day.
Tags: Birth Mother's Day, Birth Mother's Day Celebration in New York, Happy Birth Mother's Day
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Michael Hill Promoted to Associate Director of Adoption STAR
Adoption STAR is pleased to announce the promotion of Michael Hill to the position of Associate Director
Michael has been with the agency since 2009. He holds a Master of Science degree in Human Services Administration from Buffalo State College and a Bachelor of Arts degree in Social Work from Luther College. In 1998, Michael started his professional career as a case manager at AIDS Community Services of Western New York, Inc. in 1999, Michael joined the Olmsted Center for Sight and held several positions with the organization, including Case Manager, Program Coordinator, Clinical Supervisor and Communications Specialist/Student Services Adviser. In 2005, Michael became the director of Development and Public Relations for St. Mary’s School for the Deaf, and in 2007 he joined Upstate New York Transplant Services as their Director of Education.
In addition to Michael’s professional work, he is a choir member at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Buffalo (UUCB) and the chair of the Multi-Identity Committee, sponsored by both UUCB and Adoption STAR.
As Associate Director for Adoption STAR, Michael will plan, organize and direct the day-to-day operations of the Development Department. In addition he will assist the CEO in the implementation of strategies and systems that insure that agency operations meet the highest standards of quality. Michael will also establish and maintain relationships with other agencies and organizations in the community. He will enhance his current role as Project Lead of the federally-funded Infant Adoption Awareness Training Project by conducting and overseeing marketing and outreach related activities in an effort to arrange in-services and new partnerships between Adoption STAR and organizations within the community.
Michael is a strong and passionate speaker, and an enthusiastic advocate of permanency planning. As an adoptive father he treasures the fact that he can be a part of the adoption process.
While Michael’s directorship with the agency formally begins on June 4, he is already working toward a goal important to him – increasing the organization’s educational outreach within the community. “Pregnancy counseling and adoption education is so important today,” Michael said. “I am looking forward to introducing our curriculum and information to groups, organizations, medical facilities and schools.”
Tags: Adoption education and training in New York, Adoption STAR, Infant Adoption Awareness Training Project New York, Michael Hill, Michael Hill promotion Adoption STAR
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Adopting Twins: Mother’s Day Story
Sherrise and her husband Clarence began their adoption journey in 2007 after several rounds of IVF Treatment. They looked through many agencies and eventually found Adoption STAR at a New York City Adoption Conference.
“After investigating every agency in the US, we narrowed it down to three and chose STAR,” Sherrise said.
After becoming home study ready in December of 2010, they received a call a few months later that would change their lives forever; They had been selected by an expecting mother who was going to have twins.
Sherrise and Clarence are an African American couple, and their children’s birth mother is Caucasian. Sherrise said the birth mother was not certain whether the father was African American or not, but she chose them “because we were Christian.”
Once Sherrise and Clarence received their match, they thought they’d have a while to prepare to bring their children home. However a call two months in advance changed their lives in a split second.
The babies had been born two months early and Sherrise and Clarence jumped into the car and were on their way to Ohio. Once there, they settled in for a long stay until they could bring their children home. Eventually staying in a hotel became incredibly expensive and they were accepted into the Ronald McDonald House while they waited to bring their twins home.
“The Ronald McDonald House took us in, and thank god for them. That was beautiful, that they took us in,” Sherrise said.
Now that their twins are home, Sherrise said that she and Clarence are missing out on sleep. One of the twins is always awake and wants to be next to mommy or daddy, but she said she wouldn’t have it any other way.
“They want to be next to mom and dad and not in the cribs. We can’t sleep with them so one of us always has to be up with them,” Sherrise said. “It’s wonderful, I love being a mom.”
Sherrise said that one thing she’s looking forward to as the children grow up, is seeing them grow and mature into adults.
“I plan on teaching them self-defense, and that people are different. I’m going to let them know they’re adopted at an early age; let them know they’re loved by many different people,” Sherrise said. “They’re going to be taking karate classes when they’re three or four years old. I want them to be able to stand up for themselves and take pride in who they are. We’re in New York and there’s a lot of cultures here.”
With her first Mother’s Day just days away, Sherrise said that one thing she’s looking forward to is sleeping in.
“Mother’s Day traditions growing up were basic. My mom worked two jobs to take care of me and my brother. This will be my first Mother’s day and I want to sleep. I want attention and gifts, then Clarence can take the kids and let me sleep,” Sherrise said with a laugh.
Happy Mother’s Day Sherrise!
Tags: Adopting as an African American couple, Adopting twins, Adoption STAR, Happy Mother's Day, Sherrise Mother's Day Blog, Waiting to adopt
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Clare Huxtable Wins Favorite TV Mom Vote
With Mother’s Day and Birth Mother’s day this weekend, Adoption STAR held a vote to find out its followers Favorite TV Mom…they responded convincingly that Clare Huxtable, from the Cosby Show, is still everyone’s favorite mom. Care Huxtable defeated Nora Walker (Brothers and Sisters) and DiDi Pickles (Rugrats) in the finals for the victory. To get to the finals, followers were asked to vote for their favorite: Cartoon TV Mom, TV Mom from the past (show that aired prior to 2000) and Modern TV Mom (Show that aired since 2000).
While all of the Cosby Show characters will always be remembered fondly, my favorite part of the show was the new opening credits each season. Here is a video of all eight seasons of the Cosby Show openings. What was your favorite season opening?
Tags: Clare Huxtable Favorite TV Mom, Clare Huxtable from Cosby Show, Cosby Show, Top TV Mom's, Who's your favorite TV Mom
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Making an Adoption Plan
“S” is an Adoption STAR birth mother who recently placed her child for adoption. When she came to Adoption STAR she was over seven months pregnant and did not know anything about adoption. Adoption STAR Birth Parent Department Supervisor, Sue Shaw, held her hand each step of the way while explaining the adoption process and open adoption.
“Sue was not what I was expecting,” “S” said. “She was very nice and very open and honest. She made me feel comfortable, and still does.”
“S” is a recovering addict who is now putting her life together. She said she knew in her heart that she was making the right decision.
“I found out I was pregnant at six-and-a-half months…I wasn’t ready to parent emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I wasn’t ready to raise her by myself.”
“S” found Adoption STAR through an Internet search and now has an open adoption with her daughter’s family. She recently had her first adoption visit. She said that while she was expecting it to be uncomfortable or emotional, everyone was relaxed and “enjoyed each other’s company.”
“The visit was awesome, we got along real well,” “S” said. “ They want me to be a part of her life, they’re open and we got along real well. I can tell they’re good with her, they love her, and she’s happy with them.”
When choosing a family, “S” said she tried to find a family that could provide her daughter the same life that she had growing up.
“I was looking for a down to earth family who wasn’t too professionally oriented, and more family oriented; big family, close family,” “S” said. “I looked at the experiences they had, the kind of vacations they take, what their interests and hobbies were, what they did for holidays.”
“S” said she will be attending the Adoption STAR Birth Mother’s Day Celebration this Saturday (May 12 at Randall Baptist Church, 6301 Main St. Williamsville, NY. 12 pm – 2 pm.) and is looking forward to interacting with other birth mothers and learning from their perspectives.
She said that you will never know for sure if you’re making the right decision or not, but to listen to your heart when making an adoption plan.
“If you know in your heart that you’re not ready to be a parent, then open adoption is awesome,” “S” said. “You still get to be in your child’s life. It’s not a bad thing, adoption is love.”
Tags: "Making an Adoption Plan", Benefits of open adoption, Birth Mother's Day, Choosing a family to adopt my child, open adoption
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Who’s Your Favorite TV Mom: Modern Mom’s (Shows That Aired After 2000)
We are looking for your Favorite TV Mom. Yesterday, on the Adoption STAR Facebook page, Clair Huxtable from the Cosby Show won “Favorite TV Mom from the Past,” and joined DiDi Pickles from Rugrats in the finals, scheduled for this Thursday.
Today’s third and final category is “Modern TV Mom’s.” In order to qualify for this category, your show had to have aired at least one episode since the year 2000. Once scrolling through and watching the clips from the characters, go to the Adoption STAR Facebook page to place your vote.
Lorelai Gilmore – Gilmore Girls
Stats: Mother to Rory.
Why She’s on the List: Lorelai and Rory had a great relationship throughout Gilmore Girls, and Lorelai was able to raise Rory as a single mother after becoming pregnant in high school and leaving home. Though she re-connects with her parents and Rory’s father, Lorelai struggled and succeeded with all of the responsibilities of single motherhood.
Gloria Pritchett – Modern Family
Stats: Mother to Manny, Wife to Jay.
Why she’s on the list: Gloria was another single mother before meeting Jay. She loves Manny, maybe a little too much, and has shown a willingness to do whatever it takes for his happiness.
Marie Barone – Everybody Loves Raymond
Stats: Mother to Ray and Robert. Wife to Frank
Why she’s on the list: Marie may have been the mother-in-law that everyone dreads, but it all came from a place of love.
Nora Walker – Brothers and Sisters
Stats: Mother to Sarah, Kitty, Tommy, Kevin and Justin. Widdow to William.
Why she’s on the list: Nora remained Devoted and loyal to each of her 5 adult children throughout all of their personal and professional endeavors.
Kitty Forman – That 70′s Show
Stats: Mother to Laurie and Eric. Wife to Red.
Why she’s on the list: Kitty may be a little over protective of Eric, but also takes on the mothering role to his friends, especially Hyde, who she allows to live in the house when he leaves his parents.
Now that you’ve watched all of the clips, go to the Adoption STAR Facebook page to place your vote for your favorite Modern TV Mom.
Tags: Brothers and Sisters, Everybody Loves Raymond, Favorite Mom on TV, Gilmore Girls, Modern Family, Mother's Day, That 70's Show, Top TV Mom's, Who's your favorite TV Mom
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